“I want to know everything/I want to be everywhere/I want to fuck everyone in the world/I want to do something that matters.”
I Do Not Want This – Nine Inch Nails
I kind of feel like I need a lifeline. A year ago… a few months ago… asked me where I was going, what it was all about and my answer would have been quick and direct. I knew what I wanted; I knew what I was “here” for.
Today, not so much.
So much upheaval in the last several months, I’m desperately trying to find my purpose.
I’ve been rereading “Three Cups of Tea,” the last few days – I don’t care the controversy surrounding the man, his story is inspiring and should be read by everyone. And it’s making me question everything about me; my life, love, all of it.
What have I done? What difference have I really made? Sadly, I’m not very impressed with the answers I come up.
I’m constantly conflicted, no answer is ever easy, I accept that. Nothing is ever clear, I accept that as well – I’ be highly appreciative of some sort of sign.
I’m not much of a believer in God – at least not the way God is practiced and worshipped today by so many. I don’t believe in a God that hates, I don’t believe in a God who knows everything about everyone and then sets up one group of people to be castigated by another – whether gays or those of different faiths, I don’t believe in that God. I believe in a higher power, I believe there is something up there driving this crazy wagon train faster and faster towards the cliff. I believe in a power so much more than you or you or I can every dream of .. of ultimate love, the one who takes all your pain, all your sorrow and pulls into herself and says, “It’s okay my child, you are with me, no matter who you are.”
But I want some sort of a sign, something to say – “you’re going the right way.”
I don’t want the answers right now, just a sign that I’m on the right path, surely that can’t be too much to ask for.
I want to make a difference. I want to do something that matters. I want to love with reckless abandon that one.
You’ve tested me – I’ve passed some, I’ve failed others – but I never shied away from anything you’ve given me – where have you gone?
So Goddess, I know you’re up there, you equipped me to handle the worst of the worst. Let me do your work, throw me a lifeline – gift of the Gods.